So, I realise I need to rewrite my profile texts in various places, and introduce a new chapter in The Becoming of (A)Lex(i).
I’m vaguely aware that, in several places, I have described myself as a crossdresser, and definitely not trans.
After several conversations, with various knowledgeable people, an increasing realisation, and the mounting feelings I have about myself, I conclude that yuh, crossdresser doesn’t go anywhere near what I am.
I am transgender.
In hindsight, I always have been – I was never the stereotypical boy, far too sensitive and eternally attempting to cultivate and interest in the stereotypical boy things and failing appallingly. Nah, give me the Speech and Drama lessons instead of all that ball kicking. I never did manage more than the faintest interest in football. Most of that interest is focused on the wags and the more attractive breed of player.
My mother once told me that she knew exactly what I would have been called, had I been born with the socket rather than the plug, and I can’t help but wonder if they were expecting me to be a girl.
I would have been a Sascha, Sacha, or Sasha, btw. They’d decided the name not the spelling. The name I ended up with has the same meaning as Sascha and I actually tried to adopt it for a little while in my early teens, as it’s a unisex name, but it didn’t take. They probably thought “hmm, a boy called Sasha. He’s already going to get bullied enough, Alexander works.” (I did get bullied, incidentally, for having a posho name. Yay, a name that can also so easily be modified into a feminine name, which has happened approximately many times throughout my life. There’s no winning 😂)
Yuh. So there it is: I am (A)Lex(i) and I am transgender.
I was born flat-chested with a plug, when I should have had a fleshy chest and a socket.
I don’t know whether I’ll ever fully transition – I’m not actually too unhappy with my plug (though I do enjoy the humiliation of being told the opposite: how tiny, pathetic and inadequate it is etc. (go analyse that, those with a psychological bent! 😂)), and I’ve already got a socket or two available to be filled by the right plug(s), and I am really rather loving my newbie boobies.
Hmm, that rather sounds as if I aspire to be a “chick with a dick” (I dislike that phrase intensely,) but I think that might be exactly what I want to be.
As a first step, at least.