Yuh, this is a bit of an oddity as my diary entries go, because it’s free of self-pity, internalised hate and anger and redirected bitterness. Woah! Steady there gurl!
For the last couple of days, I have been feeling positive. Kim, my recovery worker even commented on my massively improved demeanour yesterday. She’s one of the ones who has seen me close to my worst, at my most apathetic, most cynical, and most hopeless. She’s also one of the ones who reminds me that I am indeed making progress, however slight that may be at times.
It’s a weird feeling, this positivity. I’m once again becoming able to see past the end of today, or past sourcing my class a props for tomorrow. What’s also pleasing is that I can pinpoint reasons for it.
One reason is one of the blog entries I posted – which really shouldn’t have been posted – and its response. I hadn’t realised exactly how cruel I can be without thinking, or maybe more accurately, by not thinking. But I’m not going to go on a self-hate mission about it and constantly mull over things I cannot now change. I’m just going to be more aware in the future and question my thoughts so the little vicious voices don’t get to air their napalm-like opinions.
I’ve been self-pitying to a horrendous extent, self harming, and not recognising that I’ve already recognised the things I need to change. Mainly because I’ve been utterly fatalistic about the situation I placed myself in. [I will, probably, continue to hit myself repeatedly, for a little while longer, for having caused hurt and pain, though I have to remind myself that I have actually been forgiven for that particular set of sins (I think?), and really need to forgive myself sometime soon.]
I dont know whether it’s the effect of the new antidepressants – I doubt it as I’m only on the second day of the lowest possible dose – but today I have been welling up with tears. The difference though, is that instead of welling up with tears of remorse and anger at myself which result in a sobbing ball of hopelessness, I am smiling whilst my eyes moisten and start leaking. It’s the same feeling as I have when I think about certain people and I become overwhelmed by how lucky I am to have had them in my life and to still have them even after all.
I had shut down entirely, caught in a detrimental spiral of non-thought and non-understanding. There must have been some object of sizable mass in that spiral though, because I appear to have used it to slingshot myself clear of it.
It’s a euphoria, but for a change it’s one which isn’t induced by external substances. I know it’s unrealistic to expect it (lols to self – or anything) to last indefinitely, but if I can remember, and remember to remind myself, that the next down moment is simply that: a moment, I might just be able to function again.
Sleep time – it really has gone half past one now. I have a long reply to write tomorrow, and then a long reply to edit, before proof reading a long reply a couple of times to make sure those voices haven’t managed to insinuate their way into my translation of thoughts into written word.
Wow this feeling is weird! 🙂